Vulnerability. One word that makes me want to run for hiding. I absolutely loathe it, as you may already know. Even the meaning of the word brings no consolation; susceptible to being wounded or hurt. Does anyone really desire that? But as I grow and mature, I realize how crucial this idea is. Without it, we merely dream, hope of what may be. Without being vulnerable, we never allow ourselves to become the best version of ourselves possible. We become stuck, stagnant, cold.
There was a time in my life that I feared this so much so that I allowed my heart to become just that; lifeless and hard. I didn't want to let anyone in and tried to combat my problems entirely alone. I believe this comes out of pride and insecurities. I was too proud to allow anyone else to help me when I was weak and too afraid that when someone would see me for who I am that they would walk away. I've experienced plenty of the latter and I believe whether you show your heart or fake it, people will still walk away.
I thought it would be easier to be numb than to feel any hurt at all. I put up this facade that I was easy going and light hearted, that all I really cared about was having a laugh and being that 'cool' and 'fun' girl. Turns out people don't respect you as much when you aren't genuine. Honestly, I don't know what happened next, but if you've ever tried suppressing all of your emotions for a long time, you come to a breaking point where you can't hold it in any longer. I cracked. It has been a battle everyday since to be vulnerable enough to make a difference in people's lives but also to guard my heart while doing so.
Every time I allow myself to be vulnerable in the right way and at the right time, I see the way people relate to me, connect to me. It's as if we both realize our humanness, our flaws, our fears and yet it is perfectly acceptable. Vulnerability is a beautiful thing. As I write these words, I'm being vulnerable and allowing room for failure, for judgment, and yet, I'm not afraid. The most beautiful people I know are those who are willing to be open and honest. These are the ones with the confidence (not to be confused with arrogance) to chase after those dreams which seem impossible, unobtainable. These are the people that make a difference in this world.
As C.S. Lewis wrote:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wronged and possible broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it up carefully around with hobbies and little luxuries. Avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, aimless, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irreedemable."
Couldn't have said it better myself, Mr. Lewis. I'm certain you could live for a long time masking the depths of your heart, but you will never truly love and be loved in the most sincere way. To love is to impact the world, if not by love, how will you leave your mark?
