First Love

This is about to get real, people.

Like I said before, I'm going to take a step out of my comfort zone and be vulnerable, share personally what God is doing in my life and what I think He would want me to share with all of you. So I guess you should know that God has totally wrecked me recently. Some of you know, others don't, but I was planning on returning to YWAM (Youth With a Mission) this April to staff the PhotogenX DTS. That's kind of my dream; traveling (missions) and photography, so I was really looking forward to it. But it started to approach quite quickly and I still hadn't heard back from them as to whether I was accepted or not. So of course I started to stress and worry like I so love to do. When I get an idea in my mind, I'm very persistent and diligent in seeing it come to pass, so much so that I put a lot of pressure on myself and if it doesn't work out I feel like I've failed miserably.

I suppose you should all know now that one of my faults is perfectionism. If you suffer from this, its a terrible burden. I am my own worst and hardest critic. So like I said, I put a lot of pressure on myself to make sure this would happen, especially because I had already begun to tell people that I was going back and there was no way I would allow people to think of me as fickle and indecisive.  I finally came to a point where I simply couldn't handle the pressure any longer and I just cracked. And yet I'm so glad that I did. God started to reveal things to me as I began to open up. I realized that because I'm a perfectionist, I feel that I have to do something HUGE in order to benefit the Kingdom of God. I become so discontent in the mundane things of everyday life and instead of finding God in those days, I surpass them thinking something greater is to come. But here's the great thing about God, He loves to use the simple things to bring glory to Himself. God convicted me of thinking being here was 'beneath me' or not good enough. And even more so, God convicted me of being so entirely concerned with what I was doing in order to serve Him, that I looked past God Himself entirely. What a tragedy, that I could forget the very One who gives me purpose and gives me life! How selfish and prideful! But after revealing my wrong doings, He brought me back again to Himself, drawing me even nearer to Him. Because that is what it's about, never what I'm doing, in fact, it has NOTHING to do with me at all. It's all about God, it's all about relationship with Him, intimacy with Him. And again He reminded me that out of right relationship with Him, everything else will flow and "work together for good to those who love God, to them that are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28).
 

So needless to say, I'm not going to YWAM this time around, but that doesn't mean I'll never go back, there are always opportunities for that. I'm taking a step of faith and seeing what God has for me here and now, day to day. I trust Him and I know that He'll use me wherever I am in my life as long as I never forget my first love.

Again, if you have any inquiries, you can ask anonymously on my formspring.